Confederacy of a Dunce - Beach weddings and fashion advice

Monday, March 06, 2006

I don't usually comment on the various search terms that lead people to my blog, but came across one I couldn't resist. A couple of days ago, someone visited from a Google search for the following: nicer summer dresses suitable for wearing to a beach wedding (my blog is #16 on Google at the moment for this search).

It would be rude of me to criticize this query on the basis of its not-entirely sensible use and combination of search terms (I personally would start with "summer dress" "beach wedding" but then I'm not in the market for dresses of any season and have not been invited to any beach weddings, so maybe this is just sour grapes), but the searcher clearly wasn't satisfied with the outcome if s/he actually visited my site looking for it.

In fact, I cannot think of many sites more poorly suited for answering such queries. The Dunce is known for the following fashion tips*.

1. Wear clothes until they wear out.
2. Wear a shirt on the upper half, and shorts on the lower half.
3. During the months of November, December, January and February, "shorts" in Tip 2 can be replaced by "trousers".
4. Purple is a favourite autumnal colour, brightening up the catwalks year after year, but this season it's more wearable than ever, coming in a range of gorgeous shades from lilac through to plum.
5. Put on a clean pair of underwear in the morning.
6. Wearing dirty clothing is fine, as long as the crotch area is mostly clean looking.
7. A wristwatch is a handy accessory if you wish to know the time on a regular basis.

So if you ask me about a nice summer dress suitable for wearing to a beach wedding, I'm most likely to try and change the subject (likely topics: various techniques for adjusting chain tension on a single-speed bicycle; different kinds of speed control devices on London roadways; why "Menzies" is nicknamed "Meng"; how history would have changed if the embattled men at the Alamo had held out for another week). If you do pin me down, don't blame me if you appear on the "FASHION DON'Ts" page of the celebrity mags.

*OK, I admit, one of these is plagiarized from somewhere else.

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