Confederacy of a Dunce - UK citizenship test

Friday, January 20, 2006

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I am now a proud owner of Life in the United Kingdom: A journey to citizenship (ISBN 0-11-341302-5), the source material for the Life in the UK test which all applicants for UK citizenship must pass. Actually, the test does not cover the whole book, leaving out most of the chapters. These include:

"The making of the United Kingdom": pretty anything to do with the history of the UK

"Everyday needs": Islamic mortgages, refuse collection, banking, education, public holidays, pubs, and "groups of young people who deliberately drink too much ... and can then become noisy and aggressive on the streets"

"Employment": how to arrange an interview, equal rights, entitlement to at least four weeks' paid holiday per year, and children at work (basically, if you send your child down the mines, don't tell)

"Sources of help and information": (libraries, police departments, the Radio Times, and "search engines" such as AltaVista, Google or Yahoo!: "If you put key words, such as consumer rights, into the search box, the search engine will look for the words consumer and rights quite separately and will probably produce several million results." (Quite an understatement: Google: 224m, Yahoo: 201m [Altavista doesn't give numbers] In fact, using "double inverted commas" as recommended, both engines still give 2.4 million results).

"Knowing the law": How to report a crime (dial 999 or 112), what to do if the police stop you (RUN!), human rights, cohabitation and marriage, child protection, consumer protection, courts and legal advice.

So the content from all of the above chapters is not covered on the citizenship test. Although it's good to know that potential citizens aren't required to know the details of the slave trade in the UK, the correct response to spilling a stranger's drink in a pub (response: buy another one), or which three search engines appear to be endorsed by the Home Office, I really wondered what was left. A mere three chapters of the book, only 32 pages, that's what's left.

It begins with chapter 2, "A changing society: migration to the UK (which groups came to the UK in large numbers in a given period); the changing role of women (apparently some ladies go to work, presumably as domestic servants); children and family ("Children in the UK do not play outside the home as much as they did in the past"; the official party line is also that few children are working in the mines and factories these days, wink, wink).

The next chapter is "Britain today: a profile": This chapter includes demographic statistics (population of Wales? 2.9m. UK population of Bangladeshi heritage? 0.3m. UK population describing their religion as Hindu? 1%); also customs and traditions such as national days (St. David's Day, St. Patrick's Day, St. George's Day, St. Andrew's Day), holidays like Christmas (in this country, Christmas cards are normally sent from the beginning of December. In my country, I think it's early January at best. Also the eating of suet-based delicacies), Boxing Day (many people give money to the postman. Not us, perhaps because we're misers), and New Year (depression sets in, and people often give up a vice or two for a few hours). Also given space are Easter, Valentine's Day, Mothering Sunday, April Fool's Day (!), Guy Fawkes Night and Remembrance Day.

Finally, we will be tested on "How Britain is governed". This is the largest section but I haven't bothered to look at it, because everyone knows it already. There is a Queen and her word is law. Bad people are broken on the wheel, drawn and quartered, and/or hanged; their bodies (or parts thereof) are placed on poles, gates and walls as a message to other potential wrongdoers. There is also a Prime Minister, and a House of Commons and a House of Lords. These are like fun clubs that exist so that their members can appear on television and radio. They like to argue amongst themselves and these arguments are often a great public spectacle (so great, in fact, that similar activities like cockfighting, bull- and bear-baiting, and taunting the village idiot are virtually unknown these days).

The citizenship test should be no problem, then. I suspect the last question will be something about the Queen, and woe betide anyone who gets it wrong.

Friday, January 20, 2006 11:53:38 AM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)