Confederacy of a Dunce - We Are All Stars

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

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Earlier this summer I made a pilgrimage to the family home, where (as is my custom) I went through quite a few cartons of absolutely essential items I stored for the brief time I would be spending overseas. As the "brief time" is now approaching seven years, I have started re-evaluating the notion of "absolutely essential", discarding or donating many items once considered "absolutely essential" but which have now slipped to just "essential". Such as badly dubbed cassette copies of albums my brother owns (or once owned, perhaps copies themselves), VHS recordings of matches from World Cup 1994 (and way more pro wrestling shows than you might think), kitchen implements that were originally obtained from garage sales (or more likely, salvaged from streetside on "moving day" [the most important day of the year for the discerning scavenger who happens to live in the vicinity of a large university]), assorted food products slightly past their best-by date (and which have somehow escaped the attention of any vermin in the vicinity of Dunce Parents' Manor), ten-year-old batteries that still might have a bit of zap left in them, ... well, you get the idea. In any event, I plowed through quite a few cartons of such treasures, but also managed to find real treasures in their midst. This time there was one truly precious find which I brought back with me and triumphantly presented to Mrs. Dunce....

It's a music video (VHS format) dating back to my high school days. During which, I must admit, I loved me that heavy metal music (And here comes quite a digression indeed). I sneered at anyone who played a "real" guitar (i.e., acoustic guitar), believing that the only true music came from electric guitars (ideally two or more at a time), played by proper metal musicians (in contrast to the pretty boys who were all about fashion and stuff, and didn't play, you know, REAL metal [erm, you could be all about fashion and stuff as long as your metal was real enough, such as Twisted Sister, Stryper {ummmmmm, yeah, I know}, and the like {Really I'm just trying to claim I never liked Giuffria, Motley Crue or Poison}]). Now I had to be careful about my selection of proper heavy metal music, as metal too heavy ran the risk of parental involvement (see for example the unfortunate birthday present from a much-beloved aunt, who made the mistake of giving a gift certificate. Which I quickly spent on Defenders of the Faith by Judas Priest. Which in turn was inspected and parentally confiscated for some unknown reason [and, in turn, un-confiscated at a later date, through a highly risky stealth mission]). But the occasional copy of magazines like Creem and Hit Parader did appear in our house, and it was from these that I learned about which bands were REAL metal and which bands were total posers or worse*. In any event, I brought back a relic of these days and proudly presented it to Mrs. Dunce....

The music video is Hear 'n Aid: The Sessions:

Which I believe I purchased for the full retail price (perhaps $19.99) despite its feeble length of only 30 minutes. Recorded in 1985, it's the Heavy Metal world's answer to "We Are the World" and "Do They Know It's Christmas?", a single entitled "Stars" featuring many of the day's hottest metal musicians (and some less hot... the guys from Rough Cutt and Vanilla Fudge) (and some less metal... Y&T? Journey? Night Ranger? although I guess they ROCKED!! on the song) (and some less real... Derek Smalls & David St. Hubbins of Spinal Tap), to raise money for those poor starving African children (a complete list of the participants appears on the Wikipedia page [where else?!]). The song begins like a ballad, with teensy-weensy Ronnie James Dio crooning the lyrics "Who cries for the children? I do......" before launching into the full metal power of who-knows-how-many metal guitars crunching away at your heartstrings (and for the record, I do not believe Mr. Dio actually cries for the children). How can I continue to wax lyrical about it, when the music video itself is a mere click away at Youtube. If you haven't seen it, you have no excuse. Don't worry, I'll wait....

HEAR 'N AID: STARS

If you want to analyze the lyrics in more depth (or perhaps have them tattooed on your person) they can be found here (along with a clear indication of exactly who sings what, something that is quite important since they almost all sound the same). It's also rather impressive to see how some of the best guitar solos (by this I mean the ones I thought were the best back in the day) actually appear to be unrelated to the song, but could actually be included in just about any heavy metal song without sounding any worse. The video tape includes not only the song itself, but builds up to it with a "making of" video. Yes, it does look very much like a parody (particularly given the presence of two gentlemen from Spinal Tap) but it's deadly serious. And now it's part of our household!

I am actually kicking myself now for discarding its original sleeve; used copies (ex-rental!) sell for $50 (link if you'd like to buy one).

* My favorite letter-to-the-editor of all time appeared on the pages of one of these magazines. It was quite customary for young fans to write in and explain which bands they liked (and why), and more importantly, which bands they didn't like (and why). Usually in the most anoraky style possible (yes, they could have been me). But the best of all was a dramatic put-down of Kevin DuBrow (frontman of much-regarded Slade rip-off band Quiet Riot) who (it was alleged) "couldn't kick ass if he wore butt-seeking boots" (a passage which sadly receives zero hits on Google [until now]).

music

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 8:50:49 PM (GMT Standard Time, UTC+00:00)